Dealing with Aggression: A Spiritual Approach
Life can be confusing sometimes. We strive to walk a spiritual path, being accepting and forgiving. We smile and send blessings unselfishly to all that cross our path. We meditate and pray, but how do we deal with negative people when their wrath is directed at us?
We're all still mortal, and we have emotions, including self-esteem. When aggressive, angry people confront us, it's sometimes hard to keep our pride in check. Dealing with someone who's acting out of fear and instability can also be very tough. How do we gently defuse a hostile attacker while staying true to our beliefs? It's a hard road, but here are some basic suggestions that have helped me over the years.
Let Spirit Guide You
Always trust your higher self to guide you to the correct course of action. Listen to your inner voice and discern what your feelings are telling you. Separate thoughts of pride, retribution, and defense from the loving, caring feelings of your soul. Remember, pride will always defend by attacking or withdrawing, so we must know and check our pride and settle into our spiritual higher selves. When we think and act out of love, we will always choose the right actions.
Try to See and Understand Their Point
We can sometimes understand the motives behind people's behavior if we consider their situation. Remember, there's no absolute right or wrong—just different points of view and opinions. Strive to see the other side of the disagreement. If you know the abuse towards you is unwarranted and you can't see the truth or motivation behind the situation, calmly listen to what they have to say. You don't have to agree with them, but try to understand why they're acting the way they are. You can respond with something like, "I understand that you're feeling a certain way, and that I may have done something to provoke these feelings. That wasn't my intention, and I apologize. I hope you feel better soon, and if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know."
Let Them Speak, and Be Truly Interested in What They Say
Pride is a simple thing to understand. When you give it your concentrated attention, it's satisfied. If you're sincere when listening to others, it satisfies their basic need for attention, and they will often be less aggressive. Sometimes people just want to be heard and noticed. Listen and let them know you see them and are truly interested in their situation, even if the problem involves you. When responding, always use their name in the sentence. This makes them feel important and may reduce their anger even more. Responses like, "Lisa, I understand what you're saying," or "I can see where you're coming from, Lisa," and remember, eye contact! Nothing shows you're interested in what someone says more than direct eye contact.
Accept Responsibility for Your Actions
If you did something to create the problem and the complaint is legitimate, take responsibility for your actions. Apologize. Offer restitution or ask if there's anything you can do to make them feel better. Most of the time, people just want to be heard and apologized to.
Keep Your Cool—Don't Accept Their Gift of Anger
One of my favorite Buddha stories goes like this: One day, a disciple came to the Enlightened One, angry and confrontational. The Buddha sat still in contemplation while the disciple raved on. Finally, the disciple asked the Buddha if he could hear him, and why was he not responding with anger? The Buddha opened his eyes and politely said, "If I do not accept your gift of anger, does it not still belong to you?" By keeping your cool and acting calmly during an angry confrontation, you do not give energy to the fire. It takes two to tango, so if you don't engage, the potential battle becomes just one person venting. When in this situation, remember the other points in this article.
Defuse Their Anger
By apologizing and letting them know you understand that your actions led them to this distress, you can often defuse the situation. If someone is about to push you, you can either back down or confront their advances. Confrontation only deepens the disharmony and creates a fight, but by wisely backing off, their aggression is immediately defused. By removing the provocation for their aggression, you can defuse the situation before it escalates. When you feel your anger rising in defense of your pride, take a deep breath and find your center. Remember that the anger and negativity within your aggressor are reflections of what's inside them, not you. You are not the negative things this person says or does; you are more than that.
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